Beatboxers “Are All Faking It”

A shocking report has confirmed the long held suspicion that beatboxers were somehow cheating by making the sounds of music with their mouths claiming that all of them have been faking it the whole time.

Early beatboxers became stalwarts in the hip hop scene with their ability to accurately mimic the sounds of hip hop music using no instrument other than their mouths.

“Having reviewed footage and interviewed several high profile whistle blowing beatboxers we can say with complete confidence that they’ve been pulling the wool over people’s ears by faking the sounds this whole time,” claimed the report’s compiler Andrew Curtis. “The claim that they all have had some kind of tiny speaker either in the beatboxers mouth or disguised in the hand.”

The report says that it should have been obvious that beat boxers have been faking it as most of them have had bulging cheeks and wires coming out of their hands which were cleverly explained away as being for the microphone.

“Frankly we should have noticed something sooner than this,” continued Andrew. “No human being is capable of making all those clicks and hisses using nothing but their tongue. Tongues are for talking, kissing fannies and licking willies. And, maybe, singing.”

“Some of them actually have reconditioned microphones that emit sound rather than receive it to fool people,” explained Andrew, clearly disappointed that his beatboxing heroes were faking it. “It’s like finding out that Santa doesn’t exist, you’re destined to one day die and that your Mum’s your Aunt and your Dad’s your brother all rolled into one.”