British TV chef Heston Blumenthal, famous for his strange recipe concoctions which have included snail porridge and bacon and eggs ice-cream, has today revealed that he is to market Buckfast soup for the masses.
“I wanted to make a soup that was hearty, tasty and slightly weird,” explained Heston who said he also hoped that making a soup aimed at scobey alcoholics will make him more appealing to a mass TV audience who feel alienated from him thanks to his posh, spazzy name and the fact that he’s not as mouthy as Gordon Ramsey.
“When I came across Buckfast and realised how popular it was with young people and heavy drinkers and how disgusting it is I decided to begin experimenting with it and invented this Buckfast soup,” explained an excited Heston who says that experimenting with weird food combinations makes his penis get hard.
“Essentially the recipe is just boiled Buckfast with a bit of parsley and some offal chucked in,” he said. “It’s pretty fucking disgusting but thankfully the winos and young idiots I’m targeting will consume any old dog shit you put in front of them which explains the existence of alcopops or Vernon Kaye.”
Heston claims that since the plans for a Buckfast soup have come out he has been receiving a lot of praise from people in tracksuits wearing sovereign rings with cold sores, bad teeth and baseball caps.
“People have been coming up to me on the street and drunkenly shaking my hand,” continued Heston, “which is great because ordinarily they slap my head or gob onto my pristine white apron.”
The soup will be sold throughout the UK and Ireland in time for next winter and is expected to cost as much as an average pint and according to a press release is great for tramps, people at festivals, alcoholics and the Scotch.”
sounds rather vile. i would not touch the stuff