Exclusive Berlin nightclub, Berghain, today announced that for the first time in its history it would be hosting a night that will cater exclusively to people celebrating hen and stag parties.
“There’s one thing Berghain has been missing all these years,” claimed one excited spokesperson, “and that’s a gaggle of pink clad drunk women vomiting on each other and groping strippers before crying on each other’s damp shoulders in taxis.”
“Who needs world class techno played to a discerning group of music heads when you can sell two for one alcopop deals to lairy Brits in matching t-shirts,” he added. “The matching outfits coupled with the boys on tour vibe of the parties will ensure that a lot of booze is sold and women are needlessly harassed.”
Hen and stag parties have reportedly boosted the earnings of clubs and cities all over Europe and while Berghain has traditionally avoided going down the commercial route the club is reportedly faced with little choice as it stands to lose out on money as a result of the new GEMA licensing laws for live music.
“By opening the doors to stag and hen parties they can emulate wedding party cities like Liverpool, Dublin and Benidorm,” claimed a source from the marketing firm responsible for the advising on the shift in door policy. “If you ask me this will help put Berghain onto the cheap drink, lairy and boisterous nightspot map.”
The club has reportedly already booked a host of new DJs who they’re hoping will directly influence people’s decision to spend their hen party at Berghain. “They’ve got all the big names ready to go, Danny Dyer, Steven Gerrard and one of the bloke’s from The Only Way Is Essex, it’s going to sick.”
Research indicates that people on stag and hen parties drink 60% more than their non-celebrating counterparts and will also bring an air of class to your club by pulling up outside in a pink stretched limo while sodden with cheap champagne.
“If Berghain wants to stay relevant then it’s going to have to ditch its holier than thou, hipster exclusive vibe and open its doors to the dregs of club culture, the hen parties,”
Locals are said to be nonplussed by the news and are pointing their fingers squarely at GEMA for making it more difficult for the club to make money. “GEMA is going to devastate the Berlin techno scene. This hen party business is the first sign of what’s to come. Next we’ll be seeing bottle charged clubs featuring commercial DJs dominating the market,” claimed one upset local. “Hen parties are where clubbing goes to die.”
