As summer 2015 looms ever closer, news from the White Isle has hinted that D-list celeb tanning station, Ocean Beach, is set to enforce a meatheads only Action Man-lookalike door policy.
Ocean Beach has long been regarded as the go-to spot in Ibiza for poseurs who “aren’t that into the music” but are more concerned with how many selfies and Facebook updates they can fit into their coke-fueled week away from their jobs in the building, beauty or service industries.
Perma-tanned staffer Garry explains how the popular nightspot almost had to close its doors last year when reams of unwanted skinny-looking non-famous people began attending the club.
“We were just putting together the video of our 22 day closing party,” explained the Head of Promotions & Juice + Salesman of the Year. “I noticed some of the geezers in it were sporting grade 4 haircuts, t-shirts that fit and no abs.”
“I almost spat my Grey Goose all over my copy of Men’s Health,” continued an exasperated Garry. “Who wants to see a bunch of twerps without gym memberships when there are people are trying to concentrate on looking like they’re having a good time in photos.”
Garry claims that Ocean Beach, who pride themselves on providing the best fake celebrity life experience that you can’t afford, have had no choice this summer but to introduce the Action Man lookalike door policy to ensure that no-one who doesn’t fit the lifestyle gains entry.
“From inside your 6ft square 20 people max VIP area, you can expect to enjoy other people looking at your champagne bucket and a free iconic plastic orange beaker with logo,” explained Garry. “You are also free to look at other people, and attempt to shuffle while in around in a foot of water – all while surrounded by meatheaded men dressed in tight, colourful vests. That’s the Ocean Beach experience.”
Ocean Beach have confirmed that from May 2015 the following will apply:
12 Hours prior to arrival you must post a selfie, head and ab shot to your Facebook group. Instead of music your pics will be shown live on big screens to the current crowd who will vote on whether you can come down the following night.
Only 18” and above biceps will be allowed entry. We are opening a pre-gym on the premises so you can get your pump on and bulk up before entry.
We will only admit hair where a styling cream has been applied. Staff trained in “hair sculpture” will be present at the gate.
At the time of going to press, the women’s door policy for 2015 had not yet been announced, but it looked very likely that smiling would facing the chop. More to follow!
