Jesus has this morning finally waved goodbye to a recent bout of blue balls after he finally got laid in the tomb this weekend.
Two thousand and sixteen year old Jesus Christ of Nazareth, known the world over for his ability to fly, his skill at knocking up a top notch curry using only an old Nike Huarache and a cracked copy of Ableton, and that booty dance that went viral in 23AD where he turned the other cheek over and back, claims that if anybody got laid this Easter weekend, it was him.
As he stuck his head out of the tomb, looking clearly revitalised and very visibly on top form, to the point where we was even wearing a crown and appeared to have a bright halo-like aura emanating around his body, told Wunderground as he poked his head out of the tomb into the first break of daylight that “It was proper mint.”
“To be honest, the last couple of weeks have been a complete pain. I matched with this proper sort on Tinder, Mary Magdalene, and we’ve been having banter and swapping pics and stuff, but these fucking romans man, they’ve been right cock-blockers!”
“I Whatsapp’d her on Tuesday and we had a date set for Friday, she was well game and told me I was getting properly nailed that day and there was no avoiding it. Pretty soon after I got serious wood. The Romans told me I had to drag this wood up the mountain at Calvary, trying to cock-block again cos that’s what they do. We’ve been having a beef for ages over my dad, but that’s my cross my bear.”
“Long story story, I did get proper nailed, but it wasn’t as expected. There was two proper crim’s either side of me getting nailed at the same time. Don’t get me wrong, the group thing is fine, but these blue balls were killing me and needed sorting! After a while the 12 Apostles had my back, pulled me down, stuck me in the tomb and Mary soon came down and seen to it that I got laid.”
“When it finally happened it was pure bliss” grinned Jesus. “Now I hear for some reason she thinks I’m dead? I mean, she was good, but not that good!”
“I’m gonna get the bus into town now and proper freak her out! I’ll see ya Wunderground.”
