Part time electronic musician, and full-time social warrior and head melt, Moby, has finally taken his animal rights ideology too far by agreeing to marry a cow.
Patsy, the lucky heifer, was rescued from a meat processing plant late last year and formed an instant bond with her fiance, Moby, after a chance meeting in a trendy vegan restaurant in New York.
“It’s no secret that I’ve been on the lookout for a wife for a couple of years now,” confirmed Moby earlier today. “What I really want is someone who has similar beliefs to me and will put up with my relentless bullshit. So, in many ways, a cow is my perfect match. She’ll never answer me back, she’s one hundred percent herbivore and she’s pretty hot, she’s practically got four tits, it’s the full package as far as I’m concerned.”
While it is not yet clear whether or not there will be any legal objections to the marriage, there has been a mixed response to the announcement from the animal rights community, with some people in support of the union and others claiming it is morally wrong for a man and an animal to enter into a relationship.
Vocal insect activist and Red Hot Chili Peppers bass player Flea spoke to Wunderground, “I’m all for it,” he revealed. “There’s nothing wrong with love between man and beast. I once had a fling with a mosquito while on tour in South East Asia. Her name was Tiny, nobody has sucked my blood like her since, it was the happiest time of my life.”
Meanwhile, cow lookalike and grass eater Geri Halliwell has slammed the musician’s plans, “What the fuck is he on about?” she asked confusedly. “Like, if it’s just a symbolic marriage I totally get it but he is actually planning on consummating the marriage. Sure, he’s probably been with worse, but that’s just wrong. I mean, is the cow even into it? Who knows? I’ll never listen to Porcelain again.”
So far, Patsy has failed to comment on the announcement, mostly down to the fact that she’s bovine and her vocal chords haven’t evolved enough to project anything other than a “moo”.
