Real Life

“Can I Get A Dry Gin, Cider Or Wine” Asks Everybody This Dry January


With the nation in the full grip of dry January, everybody in the entire world has gone to the pub in search of dry gin, cider, wine or basically anything that will help them forget the crushing reality of their pathetic little lives, even for just an hour or two.

“I basically drank the arse off myself in 2016.” said Drew Moreland, resident DJ with Faction in Ibiza.

“I’m not even going to celebrate my birthday in 2017 due to me being literally pickled in alcohol for the entire 12 months of 2016, so I haven’t actually aged by a year at all I don’t think.”

“I’m not even talking shit. I bought a carbon dating kit off eBay and did the test! At first it said I dated back to the year 2045 BC but I knew that wasn’t right cos I would have got my pension years ago if that was the case, and I haven’t, so I don’t.”

“But I read the instructions and did it properly and yeah… I’m a proper year younger than I should be! Unless I’m drunk and talking bollocks, but I’m only on this dry Hendricks and tonic due to dry January and you can’t get pissed on that, right?”

“Can you believe that? I basically pissed, sweated and sneezed Jagermeister for a year and I’ve actually aged in the completely wrong direction by a full 12 months. It’s like fucking time-travel is what it is! If Stephen Hawkins knew about this, no doubt you would see him on the booze in Ibiza for 12 months flat as well.”

“Actually, maybe that’s why he’s in the wheelchair!”

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