Local Promoter Found Guilty Of Sucking Himself Off


A local promoter of deep house events in Surrey, UK, has today been found guilty of noshing on his own penis for the majority of his spare time.

Denis Nation, a 22 year old male Homosapien with the capability to send booking request emails and bank transfers to booking agents while simultaneously putting up event posters, had “ideas above his station and thought he was fucking god” according to local bag-of-wrinkles, Jane Fury.

“I mean, we get it, you put on nights. But while the venue owner is sorting out the venue, the DJ is busy sorting out his years of tunes, the bouncers are sorting the security, the bar staff are stocking the bars… and what are you doing?”

“You’re at home sending booking request emails and sharing posters that other people made on social media while trying not to pass out as your own penis cuts off your air supply.”

“I mean, I’ll be the first to admit the attraction of the club scene is 90% cum, but climb down off your high horse and stop sucking yourself off, you big-headed talentless wanker.”

“Actually, are you still technically a wanker if you only ever touch your own cock with your mouth?”

“Actually… doesn’t matter.”

The sentencing date has been set for Monday the 16th of January, with Denis claiming on social media that it will be “a complete roadblock” and “possibly the biggest court event in Surrey this year.”

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