There has been widespread outrage on the streets of Essex after Glastonbury festival announced plans to ban plastic in 2019.
According to reports, screams of “shut up” could be heard as far afield as Norfolk when news reached the east coast county earlier this week.
People from Essex, which is home to the largest plastic surgery industry in the world, are said to make up about five percent of Glastonbury ticket holders annually.
“What’s that all about?” asked one disgusted twenty three year old. “Just because people from Essex don’t roll around in fields full of cow shit and actually care about how they look and don’t mind spending some of their parents’ money trying to look better, doesn’t mean we should be disibin.. dickskinim.. dripsinimia… treated differently.”
“Anyways, I don’t think they actually use plastic when they give you plastic surgery these days, do they?” asked the twenty four year old. “It’s all skin and bone they use. When I got mine, they just stuck a couple of needles into me and that was it done, unless they had little tiny plastics in the needle there was no plastic involved at all. Why do they call it plastic surgery?”
A Glastonbury spokesperson has confirmed the ban on plastic only applies to bottles and will not prevent anyone with plastic surgery from gaining access to next year’s festival.
“We can safely say that Glastonbury does not discriminate against anyone when it comes to entry to our festival,” they confirmed. “The ban on plastic only extends to bottles, we definitely won’t be banning all types of plastic, so don’t worry about your plastic surgery and, most important of all, don’t forget to bring your credit card and spend, spend, spend.”
Rumours that Glastonbury is also set to ban dickheads from next year’s festival have been put to bed after it was confirmed that Nick Grimshaw will be attending with the BBC crew.
