“You have the power within you to be the DJ you always wanted to be” shouts Ableton 10 as we unpack it from the box. We’re not quite sure how, but it definitely shouted it.
This is the new Tony Robbins feature on Ableton 10, introduced to ‘push a new generation of DJ’s and producers to places they never thought imaginable’ according to Jeffrey-EQ-Jones, the marketing director responsible for Tony’s incorporation into the platforms update.
“Producers these days have the weight of the world on their shoulders” continued EQ-Jones. “What track from the identification of music group should I copy? How many times do I need to post on social media that I’m back in the lab? Why must I walk to the front door to collect the Chinese delivery? Why can’t he come to me? How am I expected to sit in a basement windowless studio when I don’t shower and fart take-away all day? Would you sit in a room with me all day? So why should I? Why am I talking to myself? Has listening to this constant loop for the last 3 days finally pushed me over the edge?”
“Its a constant struggle for these geeks. Sorry, these guys.” corrected Jones. “And so we brought in Tony.”
Tony Robbins, the popular American self-help guru, pops up in the bottom right-hand corner of your Ableton screen, like the paper-clip lad from Windows 98 but with better teeth and a hotter wife.
Designed to keep young bedroom producers motivated during lengthy studio sessions, Tony shouts motivational messages at you every few minutes.
“Great clap kid. You’re going places.”
“If I liked Techno, I would love you!”
“If you produce what you’ve always produced, you’ll get the tracks you’ve always gotten.”
“Don’t blame yourself for past tracks, there will be better tracks in the future”
“Can’t wait to see you smash Fabric buddy”
“The only thing stopping you from getting what you want in life is that copy of Logic installed on your mac. Delete logic and happiness will follow.”
“You have the power within you to run a small synth for several minutes.”
“Wow, have you been working out? Those tits alone should get you gigs buddy!”
Beta-testers of the software have reported better musical output, as well as better overall happiness. Worryingly, a small bug caused 12% of users to excommunicate their families and move to Tony’s ranch in the states having sold all their worldly goods, but ‘thats all ironed out now’ reassured Jeffrey-EQ-Jones.
“All sorted now folks. Nothing to see here but bad tunes and teeth!”