Ableton is adding several new features in its latest patch to get basement producers to use their notoriously difficult software.
Most notably, the program will now uninstall and leave a nasty message calling you a lazy asshole on your computer if left unused for a month.
Randy Dickman, head of software development at Ableton states, “We found that the problem is not with the Ableton interface, but with people’s own motivation to use the software. This latest update will help fix that.”
“Someone on the team was watching Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket,” he continued, “and it dawned on us that we need to inspire people to use the product the same way the drill instructor inspires his cadets.”
“Obviously we’re not calling our users queers and cunts, but we need to send a message,” he added. “This is not some pansie, fruity software. This is the real deal, and people need to treat it with respect.”
Several “motivational” messages have been included in this update including:
“You should have stuck to Garage Band.”
“Ableton is meant for more than beat matching Martin Garrix songs.”
“Please reinstall when you are ready for a real commitment.”
Along with the messages, users are charged a five-dollar fee to reinstall the software to further inspire them “to really sit down and dig in”.
“We’re just concerned that people are buying our product to show off to girls and their friends without ever actually using it. There’s an unfortunate reputation that Ableton users are all talentless poseurs,” Dickman adds.
“This is going to fix that.”