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Alton Towers Announce New “K-Hole” Roller Coaster

Alton Towers have announced plans to build a brand new roller coaster set to be called the K-Hole.

Roller coaster experts have said the K-Hole’s unique design will make it one of the most exciting and terrifying roller coasters in the world.

“This is a real game changer in the roller coaster world,” claimed Hans Indeair, a forty-year-old roller coaster nerd. “Alton Towers are really going all out with this design, I haven’t seen so many twists and turns in the same place since I had to share a bed with my cousin at a family wedding in 1998.”

“I’ve tried the virtual version of it and it’s probably the most frightening thing I’ve ever experienced, like piss your pants and maybe even shit yourself frightening,” continued Indeair. “It moves so quickly and puts your body through so many changes of direction that you just don’t know where the fuck you are, I liked it but didn’t like it at the same time which, for me, is something really unique in a roller coaster.”

According to the K-Holes designer, Alan Smith, a thirty-year-old drug user, the ride is based on actual experiences he’s had in his life.

“I’ve drawn on all of my past experiences to come up with this ride,” he told us. “I’ve had some pretty traumatic times using ketamine and while they were terrifying, looking back at them now they were also a lot of fun, that’s how I want people to feel about this ride.”

Experts have warned that continued use of the K-Hole will result in users building up a tolerance to the rollercoaster and could eventually lead to health issues, such as liver failure.

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