The guy from your local nightclub who doesn’t understand the concept of personal space and who always finds himself on the receiving end of “leave me the fuck alone” on nights out has launched free online lessons in how to effectively socially distance yourself from others.
Barry Nonce, an expert in conjuring huge spaces around himself when walking through crowds of people, claims to have developed “the ultimate guide to getting people to steer clear of you in any public space”.
Nonce treated Wunderground to a free taster session, with a video that began with the title:
1) Talk at obscene volumes in the direction of somebody’s ear.
The video explains that the best way to prepare someone to walk away from you is to speak at a volume that can compete with the loudest nightclub speaker. Even in the current climate, where a two-meter rule is necessary, Nonce insists “shouting as brashly as possible – even with the odd chant of ‘oi, oi’ thrown in – should be enough to prepare someone to keep their distance from you.”
2) Content is as important as delivery.
In this next segment, Nonce says that bringing up a topic that everybody is definitely sick of talking about, such as Brexit or hand sanitiser, is an excellent way to ensure the person on the receiving end of your word vomit doesn’t stick around to listen to you for long.
3) Offend all of the senses
Nonce explains in this section how you shouldn’t only focus on what somebody hears from you: “Try to dance yourself into a sweaty frenzy before approaching a person, so that they can smell you before they hear you – even from two meters away. With enough perseverance and perspiration, you can ensure everybody on your street keeps their distance from you, and that they’ll be put off from approaching anybody else for fear that the smell is actually them.”
The full 10-lesson programme will be available to download in a matter of weeks. Despite early scepticism towards the idea, members of the public who gained exclusive early access to a trial have praised it for being clearer and more straightforward than any of the advice that has left Boris Johnson’s mouth in recent months.