Apology ghostwriters are set to be the biggest craze in dance music with more and more artists fucking up and needing to make apologies.
Foul-mouthed racist rants, misogynistic views and unwanted attention to the opposite sex are just some of the things apology ghostwriters are looking to cash in on in 2019.
Wunderground spoke to an apology ghostwriter earlier, “Apology writing in dance music is absolutely huge right now,” he told us. “You have no idea what one of these morons will pay for a good heartfelt apology if they believe it’ll stop them from losing bookings, I’m pretty much writing my own cheques at the moment.”
“I’ve always been really good at bogus apologies,” the ghostwriter, who was wearing a brown paper bag over his head to protect his identity, continued. “I guess it all stems from being a bit of a fuck-up and constantly having to apologise to people, I always thought that would end up being a bad thing but it’s actually worked out really well for me.”
“Just last week, I had some American pillock come to me and ask me to write a two-page apology after he said something bad about Mexicans,” our source explained. “Two hours later, a bit of ‘context’ this, ‘not an accurate reflection of my thoughts’ that and a sprinkle of ‘it’ll never happen again’, and I’m two grand richer.”
“Honestly, if I’d have known there was so much money in apologies, I’d have started making them as soon as I finished school instead of wasting half of my life working on a building site.”
One DJ who has used apology ghostwriters on more than one occasion also spoke to Wunderground, “these guys are an absolute godsend.”
“Words and apologies have never really come naturally to me, I always just did whatever I wanted and didn’t give a toss about the consequences,” he revealed. “But, now that the public eye is on me, people seem to get really upset about some of the stuff I say and do so, sometimes, I need to make a genuine apology.”
“And it’s bloody hard to make an apology seem real when you don’t really mean it, that’s where these guys come in. I’ve actually got one on a monthly retainer just to make sure I’ve always got an apology on hand when I need one.”