Arsene Wenger is set for a move to Ibiza this summer after it was confirmed that he will be the new manager of San Antonio nightclub Es Paradis.
Wenger recently stepped down as manager of Arsenal FC following twenty-two years in charge of the North London club and now sees the Es Paradis roll as the last chapter of a hugely successful career.
“This could turn out to be an inspired move for Es Paradis,” claimed one San Antonio based expat. “When you think about it, Es Paradis is quite similar to Arsenal, they both look good, but lack any real depth and have been struggling to entertain their crowds recently.”
“Wenger’s been up against in the past, rebuilding Arsenal, surviving the move from Highbury to the Emirates and trying to get Paul Merson sober, he’s always managed to come out with at least some level of success,” continued the expat. “But he’s really going to have his work cut out with Es Paradis.”
“The club scene over here is far more competitive than the Premier League,” continued our source. “Wenger’s going to be feeling the pressure as soon as he steps foot inside the club and he won’t be able to rely on any overpaid superstars to take the pressure off him, I’ve heard they’ve already blown their entire budget hiring him so they’re likely to replace DJs with an iPod for the whole summer.”
According to islands sources, a small pocket of 100 Es Paradis fans, which actually accounts for 95% of Es Paradis fans on the island, have already started to make “Wenger Out” signs, which they will bring to the club during planned protests throughout the summer.
“None of us wanted to see Arsene Wenger appointed as the manager of our club,” claimed Francesca Andreu, an Ibiza resident. “We’re quite happy to have a nightclub that doesn’t attract any tourists, it gives us a place to go and party with our friends away from British people fighting and puking on each other.”
“Arsene Wenger may not have any nightclub management experience, but he’s clearly quite a clever man, we’ve worked so hard over the years to make Es Paradis a tourist-free nightclub, the last thing we want to see is a manager with competence getting the crowds back in.”
“Plus, he’ll definitely attract the wrong type of crowd, we’re more white satin than red polyester, we don’t want English football riff-raff clogging up our white marble hall. You get me fam?”
Sources close to Wenger have confirmed that he is excited at the prospect of taking over Es Paradis but at the same time realistic as to what he can achieve with the club.
“Arsene’s loving the new challenge of life in Ibiza,” claimed best friend, lover and former assistant manager Steve Bould. “He knows he’ll never make i one of the island’s top four clubs but he’s hoping to at least get it into the top ten. It’s not like things can really get any worse so it’s practically a win-win situation for him.”
Rumours circulating in Ibiza suggest the island’s clubbing hierarchy could be set to introduce a relegation system for the clubs, which would see the worst performing club of the summer relegated to Magaluf for the following year.
