A young DJ from Constance in East Markievicz, Poland has seriously injured his ego after a horrific incident in his home saw him leap stupidly from the top bunk of his bed and collide with the floor. The incident occurred yesterday afternoon whilst the man, Tomasz Fromage (21) was playing to himself in the confines of his room.
Mr. Fromage was alone in the house at the time, and as such the police suspect no foul play, except for the foul music he was playing at the time.
Tomasz, who plays in his bedroom under the name of DJ JD and Cocaine, had chosen to finish his marathon half hour EDM set with a remix he had made himself – a mash up of both Calvin Harris’ Summer and Ellie Goulding’s Anything Could Happen.
The second song title proved to be true, as Tomasz attempted to finish the set with a flourish for his imaginary audience by jumping off the top bunk of the bunk beds he shares with his grandmother. According to doctor’s reports the young DJ landed “right smack on his fragile ego”, severely damaging it, and causing collateral damage to his pride which doctors have suggested was already swollen “like a bruised ankle or engorged penis”, and as such made for a broad target when he fell.
Tomasz’s ego is now said to be broken beyond repair while his pride is believed to contain stress fractures making it susceptible to even the gentlest of piss taking . Medical professionals are currently attempting to resuscitate his damaged ego by softly cooing soothing words at him through a surgically sterile ear trumpet, whilst nurses reassure him that nobody saw the incident and that it is not being reported by any major news sources.
According to friends, Tomasz’s plan now is to sell his DJ gear, as “he was only in it for the Kochanie. That’s why he played in his bedroom, he was hoping to Pied Piper some poor unsuspecting girl into his room with his alluring tech-house” but that now his ego is so damaged that he’ll return the bedroom to its previous incarnation as a “wank chamber”.
“He had a sign on his bedroom door which said, ‘This is where the magic happens,'” added Tomasz’s friend before sadly continuing, “although it never did…it’s like the way it says ‘Premium Dutch Lager’ on the side of a can of Dutch Gold, when clearly, it isn’t or how on Steve Aoki’s CV it says DJ instead of preening cake throwing prick.”
Tomasz is expected to make an almost full physical recovery however doctors fear he will never swagger again.
