A man who looks exactly like an undercover police officer has admitted that he is having a “pretty shitty time” at a festival.
Barry Groves, who is attending his first ever festival this weekend, claims that he is finding it difficult to make friends and interact with people, although, on the plus side, he seems to have had very little trouble getting through the security check.
“I’m not really sure why nobody will talk to me,” Groves explained earlier. “I thought that coming to a festival by myself would be a great way to meet new people and make friends but every time I approach a random group of people everyone just goes quiet and moves away. It’s much harder than I thought it was going to be.”
“It’s like I’m giving off some sort of weird vibe or smell, I had to go to the port-a-loos to make sure I hadn’t shit myself, again. Luckily I hadn’t,” continued the lonely festival goer. “A few people have told me that they think I’m an undercover police officer but I one hundred percent am not.”
“It’s not my fault that I’m really tall and muscular, although, maybe borrowing some of dad’s clothes was a bad idea. I thought a dad shirt and some bootcut jeans would look really cool in an ironic kind of way but it seems they’re only cool in an I want to lock you up and take your drugs kind of way.”
“I have to make myself fit in better so I’ve got two options,” revealed the police look-a-like. “First, I’m going to get myself a bucket hat and some novelty sunglasses, that’s bound to make me seem more relaxed and cool looking. Then, I’m going to get as off my tits as possible, no one will ever suspect I’m a cop if I’m totally banjoed, I just need to find someone who’ll sell me some drugs first.”
Reports suggest that Mr Groves spent five hours looking for drugs with no joy before stopping two strangers, randomly searching them and confiscating half a gram of their MDMA.