People all over Scotland are believed to be celebrating today after Buckfast announced they are set to launch a brand new line of IV drips later this year.
Monks at Buckfast Abbey are believed to have developed a new version of the fortified wine that will allow drinkers to hook it straight into their bloodstream.
“This is exactly what I’ve always wanted,” claimed Malcy, a thirty year old Buckfast drinker from Glasgow. “Not having to use my mouth to get the Buckfast into me frees it up for lots of different things, like shouting at Fenians and singing my favourite sectarian tunes. This is gonna be a total game-changer for this city.”
According to sources in Buckfast Abbey, the concentrated version of IV Buckfast will be up to ten times more potent than regular Buckfast and could increase profits by almost one thousand percent.
“Scotland has always been our biggest market and we’ve decided to roll the intravenous Buckfast out there just in time for Christmas, as a trial run,” a Benedictine Monk spokesman told Wunderground yesterday. “If it sells well, and the murder rate doesn’t go up by more than 5%, we’ll look at launching it in our next biggest market, Irealnd, in the new year.”
“By removing expensive glass bottles and drastically reducing the size of the dosage needed to to get the desired effect, or ‘pished’ as they call it in Scotland, we’ve significantly reduced the production costs without jeopardizing the quality of the Buckfast,” the Monk continued. “If it’s successful, we may remove bottled Buckfast from the market altogether, which police in Scotland have told us could reduce bottle related assaults by almost 97%”
Sources on Scottish housing estates have confirmed that IV Buckfast is likely to be the “must-have” gift for Scottish children this Christmas.
“There won’t be a Christmas stocking in Drumchapel without one of these little Buckfast things in it this year,” claimed one primary school teacher. “That’s what we’re hearing in the playground anyway. We’re hoping it might inspire some of the kids on to careers in medicine, but that’s probably fairly unlikely.”