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Being Bullied? Stop Playing Shit Tunes, Advise Teachers

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A new Europe-wide survey of teachers released today has suggested that most victims of bullying simply need to ditch their shit tunes in order to be socially accepted by their peers.

According to the survey ‘Kids & Their Stupid Little Lives – Can Better Music Fix The Little Bastards?” over 94% of teachers with pupils in the age ranges of 5-16 agreed with the statement “when I hear one of my pupils listening to Justin Bieber I want to stamp on them repeatedly for the rest of the class, but restrain myself from doing so as I need the money teaching provides me.”

Another whopping 98% of respondents agreed with the statements “when I know a child has a bad taste in music, I take joy in seeing the local school bully thump the head off them at lunchtime and would never consider intervening” and “I regularly fail students and have wished death on several for listening to music different to that of my own personal preference.”

“I think it’s an OCD thing I suppose”, said Jimmy O’Reilly, an 11-year-old school bully from the midlands, when speaking with Wunderground at lunchtime today. “I just like knocking kids out. I like to see other kids blood on my hands, so it’s like the hand-washing obsession people get, except for the blood of my peers and underlings.”

“Most days, by morning break-time I’ll have knocked the nose off some young lad listening to The Chainsmokers or something. Blood all down his uniform and all over me, and that’ll be me satisfied for the day.”

“All the kids in this school are quite young, by their very nature, so they have little exposure to the alternative music scenes the world has to offer. None of them understands the vast history of music that stands behind them. I mean, half these muppets have never even heard of Carly Rae Jespen, Taylor Swift or The Cheeky Girls even. They’ll all too busy listening to modern day shite from late 2016. So I jump on their faces at lunchtime with the full support of the school system.”

“I won’t do this forever. When I get older, I’ll bash people my own size. I get quite a few requests for that already, so it seems a natural career path to take.”

“After all, adults listen to a load of absolute shite as well, so I’ll not be stuck for work!”

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