A first-timer at this year’s Burning Man festival has been labeled a “fucking disgrace” by other festival goers after spending his entire time on site trying to barter with money.
Michael Timmins, a twenty-two-year-old plasterer from Burnley, England, claimed he “didn’t have a Scooby Doo” what Burning Man was and was not prepared for a week in the desert.
“Well that was easily the worst week of my life,” claimed Timmins earlier. “My American cousin asked me if I wanted to go to a festival and I was like ‘yeah defo’, I was expecting to roll around a field and get mashed for a weekend, like Creamfields or something, not a fucking week in the desert, that’s my idea of hell, not a festival.”
“I spent the whole time walking running around the place trying to find shade and buy suncream off people,” continued Timmins. “Not one person would sell me anything, I ended up having to swap my clothes but that just meant I needed even more suncream. By the end of the festival, I was walking around in my nip burned to a fucking crisp.”
Self-proclaimed free loving hippy Wilfred “Rose Petal” “Petunia Blossom” Smith claimed that Mr Timmins “like, totally ruined the vibe” and believes only people who have sipped from Mother Earth’s teat (taken liquid acid) should be allowed attend the festival.
“What was that fucking dick doing,” asked the repulsive hippy. “Burning Man is about peace, harmony and unity, not buying and selling shit. I told that prick to fuck off, he deserved all of the sunburn he got.”