Disney has announced a record-breaking three trillion dollar deal to buy the entire Kardashian family with plans to eventually melt them down into smaller parts.
The Kardashians are now considered one of the world’s most in-demand commodities and are currently valued at almost one million dollars per kilo. Disney’s deal is believed to include exclusive rights to the next five generations of Kardashian children.
“We’re delighted to announce that we have now taken full ownership of the Kardashian family and have some really great plans for them in the pipeline,” revealed Disney spokesperson Aladin O’Neill. “We plan to use the current crop of Kardashian to breed a new, more likable family.”
“Once we have a new crop we’ll melt the old ones down and make them into smaller parts,” he continued. “Not a lot of people know this but the Kardashians are actually partially made up of a unique element called Kardasium, it’s basically a type of rubber that is extremely adaptable and isn’t found anywhere else on Earth.”
“With just one Kardashian lip, we’ll be able to upgrade all of the rides in Disneyland Paris and build sets for at least ten Star Wars movies,” claimed Aladin. “We’re also currently negotiating a deal with the Chinese to sell them weapons-grade Kardasium for the next fifty years. It’s a very lucrative deal for us, we may move away from the entertainment industry altogether in the future and concentrate on farming Kardashians.”
According to reports, Disney has decided to forfeit the rights to any offspring fathered by Kanye West as they are likely to be “total fuckwhits”.