Scotland’s human equivalent of a piss flavoured milkshake, Calvin Harris, has reportedly been inquiring into whether or not it is possible to sell out a second time.
According to reports, Harris, who gave up his personality, name, family and friends in 2011 in exchange for money and fame, has become disillusioned with his millionaire lifestyle and is interested in stepping things up and becoming a billionaire.
Wunderground spoke to the Scotsman earlier, “First and foremost, I want to get one thing straight, I’m rich, not Scottish. OK. I don’t want people getting the wrong impression of me because of where I’m from, I haven’t even lived there for, like, five years. Another couple of years and you won’t even be able to hear my accent. Can you just say that I live in L.A. or something.”
“When I was a young man back in Dumfries, I used to think that music, a good family life and a solid group of friends were all I needed to be happy,” revealed Harris, real name Adam Richard Wiles. “Obviously I was as daft as I was ugly, once you actually make a few quid you realise stupid things like that are just what poor people convince themselves to make their pathetic lives a bit more bearable. The only thing that truly makes someone happy is money.”
“Once I realised, I got rid of all of my friends, most of my family and a lot of my personality and identity, all of the dead weight basically, and moved to L.A. to start a new happier, and way richer, life,” he continued. “At least that’s what I thought anyway. Moving to L.A. you soon realise that you’re not that rich. Honestly, some of the people over here are so rich they make me feel totally insignificant and, to be honest with you, my ego can’t take that kind of abuse.”
“I really need to be like them,” he desperately revealed. “That’s why I was exploring the possibility of selling out again. It worked really well the first time and my thinking is that another well-timed sellout could send me to next level rich, I’m talking billions. Then, the world would be my oyster. Just look at what Trump’s done, can you imagine me with his money and this face. Never mind the President of America, I could be the President of the World or, better still, maybe even a god.”
In related news, will.i.am has reportedly sold out for a record breaking nineteenth time, making him officially the world’s biggest ever sell out.
