Hundreds of Pioneer’s new CDJs have accidentally been given the CPU of an unstoppable, autonomous cybernetic assassin.
Following a factory mishap, many faulty CDJ3000 units are transforming into shapeshifting killer organisms that will bring destruction to the world – whilst being fully compatible with Rekordbox.
Pioneer’s HQ, which created the new unit with A.I start-up Skynet, broke their silence today. Amidst sounds of rifle shots, alarms and screaming, Pioneers press officer sighed: “We’d hoped the CDJ3000s new processing power would enable us to bring exciting new functions. Little did we know those would include an eco-skeleton of mimetic poly-alloy that can morph seamlessly into blades, hooks and other maiming-based weaponry. Our marketing team think this could be a selling point for DJs at, oh I dunno, Ocean Beach Club in Ibiza.”
The knock-on effects of the tech blunder have meant DJs everywhere find themselves in imminent danger. Many are now considering proper jobs.
“I used the new Pro DJ Link Lighting feature” one bedroom DJ told Wunderground “Suddenly the unit spouted a liquid metal spike, impaling me to the wall through my rib-cage. You don’t happen to know the number for Customer Support do you?”
Despite the risk, many have insisted they will still be upgrading their decks with a pair of the deadly robotic machines. One DJ told us “Whilst there is a threat the CDJ3000 is capable of a genocidal rampage involving sawn-off shot guns and exploding 16-wheelers, I’d rather all that than mix off a Denon”