A new study has revealed that children who are exposed to high levels of tech-house at a young age are ten times more likely to grow up to be wankers.
Dr Norris Ronson, lead researcher at the Wankers of England Association, claimed that tech-house exposure is now “England’s largest cause of wankerism”.
“First things first, I just want to point out, when we’re talking about wankers, we’re not just talking about lads pulling their flutes,” Dr Norris explained.
“That would qualify every single man in the world as a wanker and also disqualify any women.”
“When, in reality, not all men are wankers and lots of women are,” he continued. “When we say wankers, we mean it in a more dickhead or shitbag kind of way.”
“We’ve now proven, with science, that as little as two or three tech-house tracks a day will increase your child’s chances of becoming a wanker tenfold.”
“And, looking at a lot of tech-house DJs around at the moment, it probably stunts your growth too.”
“At this rate, we’ll be a nation of little short arse wankers by the year 2050 unless we do something about this tech-house epidemic.”
According to experts, if you catch your children listening to tech house, you should remove all sources of music and floral shirts from your house immediately.