A couple who have just had a newborn baby have said they are confident of getting a night out in the next five or six years.
Ian and Becky Wallace-Barnes welcomed their first child, Womble, into the world last Saturday afternoon and claim he is the best thing to ever happen to them.
“At the moment, my entire world consists of changing nappies and not sleeping,” claimed Ian earlier. “And that’s just looking after myself, we’ve got a baby now too so I flat out don’t have a minute. Honestly though, seeing little Womble’s face makes it all worthwhile, I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
“I know there are some of my friends out there who don’t have kids that think they’re happy,” continued Ian. “But seriously, you’ve not felt true happiness until you’ve cleaned shit out your own screaming babies bum. You couldn’t give me all the disposable income in the world to swap that first newborn poo I cleaned up a few days ago, honestly, it was the greatest feeling ever.”
“I don’t even miss going out,” added Ian, who last went out on almost a week ago. “Me and Becky will probably get out in about the next five or six years and we’re totally OK with that, our little family is all that matters to us now.”
According to Becky, Ian might be happy to stay in for the next five or six years but she plans on going out as soon as her tits stop hurting.
“That pricks been out every weekend since I got pregnant,” she said dismissively. “He kept saying ‘I’ve got to make the most of while I can babe, I’ll be back on Sunday morning’, all the while I’m walking around with his son in my fucking belly. Well, fuck that, as soon as I’m able I’m going out and getting fucking pissed up, doing a ton of bag and not coming home for three days. Fair is fair.”
At the time of going to press, Mr Wallace-Barnes is believed to have “given up on everything” and gone to the pub to weigh out the pros and cons of abandoning his family for a simpler life.