We Are FSTVL organisers have today confirmed that the Do Not Sleep stage at this year’s festival is actually just a reminder that there is no on site camping.
The decision to include the stage was made after a number of older sleepy ravers set up an impromptu campsite in front of the main stage at last year’s festival, leaving hundreds of babysitters across London stranded indoors with no access to alcohol or boyfriends.
“We’re delighted to have brought the Do Not Sleep brand to the festival this year,” explained project manager Snu Zee. “Not only is it one of the most recognisable brands in the industry at the moment but it will also act as a constant reminder to the over 30’s that there’s no camping, sleeping or power-napping of any kind permitted on site.”
“We really don’t want any repeats of what happened last year,” continued Zee. “We had about three to four hundred people set up camp in front of the main stage. They built makeshift tents out of rain ponchos and wellies, mixed with mud they made from the tears of the thoughts of going home to their screaming brats. Some of these people only have this as their one big blow out each year, they can get really upset. And sleepy!
The majority of younger onlookers are reported to have used the sleeping elders as makeshift chairs and general comfy garden furniture “to flake about in, innit”. Goeff Mong, a surprised looking security member reported “It looked a little bit like somebody had thrown tear gas into a Mothercare and then when all the parents had knocked each other out in the hysteria, someone else came along and sprinkled excited teenagers on it.”
“We only managed to clear them at seven o’clock in the morning by offering them all free childcare for a year and an Egg McMuffin meal.”
According to Do Not Sleep resident and anti-sleep activist Darius Syrossian, all of the DJs booked to play the stage will also act as ”sleep police” and help insure that no one gets any shut-eye while on site.
“While we’re not playing, all of us DJs will be patrolling the area directly in front of the stage to make sure there’s nobody feeling drowsy,” claimed Syrossian. “We’ll be working with cattle prods and Ibiza-imported coffee to make sure that everyone is as awake as possible while the stage is running.”
“I think we’re supposed to hand the coffee out to people who look tired, but fuck that, if you have the cheek to fall asleep at one of my events you don’t deserve free coffee, I’ll be spiking it with Blue WKD or some other poisonous material. My advice would be to stay awake, dance your ass off and then fuck off home.”
Unconfirmed rumours suggest that anyone found to be sleeping, camping or even blinking than longer than deemed necessary will be removed from the festival, force fed Pro Plus and spanked by security guards for being bold little ravers.