Drug users all over the world are celebrating today after drugs were officially declared the winner in the war on drugs.
The news brings an end to a long and bloody war, which seen international governments pour money into a campaign which had little or no effect on front line drug users.
“Well thank god that war is over,” claimed Ian Spencer, an avid drug user and Liverpool fan. “I knew this was going to be our year and it feels really nice to be right for a change. I’m gonna go celebrate with a spliff and maybe even a cheeky line or two.”
Mexican Cartel boss Javier Torres, also known as El Don, has claimed that he is so happy with the result of the war that he will “stop cutting rival cartel member’s heads off for at least “one or two days”.
“This is a great day for drugs but more importantly a great day for people all over the world,” explained El Don from his house made entirely out of money. “It was touch and go there for a while but thankfully drugs came through in the end, I think I might add another floor to mansion to celebrate.”
“Now that the war is finally over the money politicians spent trying to ensure guys like me can’t afford Ferraris can be put into more pressing areas,” continued El Don, who claims to be responsible for the death of at least two hundred people. “Like bailing out banks, paying bonuses and giving consultants money to think up new ways to milk the public for every penny possible.”
“So in actual fact nothing much will really changed but at least now people can take some comfort in drugs.”
According to inside information, international forces are believed to be regrouping to wage another war, which can never be won, on music piracy, more on this story as it happens.