The latest reports have confirmed that drunk you is much sounder than sober you, despite the best efforts of hungover you to convince you otherwise.
According to your friends, drunk you is “a total hoot”, while sober you can be “a little bit beige or even vanilla”.
“Drunk you is so much fun,” claimed one friend who wished to remain anonymous. “There’s something about your total disregard for your own, and other people’s, safety, coupled with the ability to say whatever the fuck you want to whoever the fuck you want and the sexual liberation of a Spanish sailor that makes hanging out with drunk you a total blast.”
“While sober you, on the other hand, is usually a bit of a non-event,” continued your friend, who’d had just enough to drink to feel she could speak openly and honestly about your friendship without causing any offense. “It’s not that you’re not enjoyable to be around when you’re sober, it’s just that you suck the fun out of a room like an Amsterdam hooker going to work on an English stag party.”
Research suggests that you are more than one hundred percent more likely to take risks, get on the bag and stop giving a fuck when you are drunk, all of which your friends claim are among your best qualities.
“It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with you when you’re sober,” continued your friend. “It’s just that I’d prefer to hang out with you when you’re drunk, that’s why we only really see each other at the weekend, in bars and nightclubs. That’s the way it’s always been and, unless you develop a serious drinking problem and start drinking midweek, that’s the way it’s going to stay.”
“To be honest with you, the real cunt in this scenario is hungover you,” concluded your friend, who was totally pissed by this stage. “She’s been filling sober you’s head full of nonsense, telling you lies about drunk you and giving you the fear for years now, you need to give that bitch the boot. For real.”