A heavy metal fan who claimed that all dance music was shite has been forced to eat humble pie after actually enjoying an industrial techno gig.
Lars Boffhammer, real name Laurence Boffert, admitted that while he did enjoy the industrial techno gig, he still doesn’t class it as actual music but probably would go to another gig.
“Don’t get me wrong, I still think the majority of electronic music is total fucking garbage,” claimed Bosshammer, lead singer/screamer of The Depths of Despair, recently named in Milton Keynes top thirty metal bands. “But, I will admit I actually quite liked that industrial techno gig I was at a couple of weeks ago, probably more for the atmosphere than the music, mind you.”
“I saw a flyer for something called Dirty Little Secret and the name and font totally made me think it was some sort of metal gig,” continued Bosshammer, proud owner of eight different Slayer T-shirts. “Naturally, I wanted to go and check out the competition so I stuck six cans down my sleeves and made my way into the venue.”
“When I got there, I was totally shocked to see it was some poncy DJ on stage and I was just about to leave when he started playing this crazy 150bpm music,” explained the metaler. “To my surprise, I actually kind of liked it. I mean, it was shit but I was able to bang my head to it and that’s half of what I look for in music. Then, I looked around the room and noticed everyone else there was dressed in black and there were even a few lads with long hair, I actually felt kind of at home there, despite being surrounded by a gang of rave scumbags.”
“I’d definitely consider going back again, if there was nothing else good on that night,” admitted Bosshammer, who claims Viking ancestry despite having traced his family tree and found nothing but generation after generation of Buckinghamshire farmers. “It’s just such a pity that all of the music comes out of a poxy machine rather than an instrument like a synth or an electric guitar but I guess you can’t win them all. Rock on!”
According to reports, Mr Bosshammer ate another large slice of humble pie after claiming he could “easily” make an industrial techno track and coming up with nothing but a “shit snare drum sample” after continuously working on his track for over a week.