EDM Fans Attack Hardwell After He Played Track They Didn’t Know
A group of EDM fans at a Hardwell show reportedly attacked the world’s number 1 DJ after he played a track that they didn’t immediately recognise.
Reports from the scene claim that Hardwell, wanting to respond to the recent criticism that main stage DJs only play the aural equivalent of their own warm diarrhoea, attempted to play a track that wasn’t a run of the mill, drop-heavy commercial EDM banger – resulting in the crowd becoming confused and then incensed at the Dutch DJ.
“I play weak, by-numbers EDM for money and fame but I obviously am aware that real dance music is inherently better and more worthy,” explained a shook up Hardwell sporting a bruised eye and fat lip. “I listen to proper DJs and producers like Aphex Twin, Sasha and Dixon when I’m at home so making commercial EDM is very much a financial tactic for me, there’s no love for it.”
“I figured with everything that’s been going on that the crowd might like to hear something different,” continued Hardwell who says that John Digweed’s criticism of the conservatism of mainstage DJs inspired him to think outside the box and play “actual redeemable music in the shape of Gui Boratto’s remix of Paradise Circus as a nice uplifting set closer”.
According to reports, upon hearing Gui Boratto’s blissed out remix of Massive Attack, the crowd went “fucking mental, but not in a good way” as they immediately began booing and becoming increasingly aggressive as the track progressed and they realised there was no drop coming.
“They began booing quite loudly at first, then several of those in the front row spat out their dummies and threw them at Hardwell, hitting him in the eye leaving him covered in blue, bubble gum flavoured saliva,” explained stage manager Frank Browne who suffered cuts and bruises attempting to fight off the angered audience and escort Hardwell to safety. “It was like their ears couldn’t register what they were hearing as music because it lacked a discernable drop and didn’t sound like it was composed for the sole purpose of teaching children a moral lesson or how to spell.”
Mr. Browne claims that three audience members made it onto the stage and attacked Hardwell with placards reading “Do you even lift?”, bro-strength headlocks and the wayward punches of American teens under the influence of a Spring Break rager.
“Eventually I managed to fight my way past them and grab a weeping Hardwell by his urine soaked trousers and carry him to the safety of a waiting helicopter,” continued Mr. Browne. “By this time the music was still playing and the audience began ripping up chairs, setting fires to their kandi and moshing out of the sheer frustration that hearing a slightly unpredictable song choice caused.”
“They only calmed down when a quick thinking stagehand suggested to one of the guys onstage that he play Avicii’s Levels,” added Frank. “Thankfully he did and almost immediately the crowd stopped killing each other, took pops of molly and began doing that strange bouncing up and down dance that you wouldn’t do in a nightclub cause you’d look like an overexcited tool.”
Senior police officials, who suggested to Hardwell that he should in future religiously stick to the set list script and not to digress from EDM bangers, were called in to placate the crowd – something they only managed to do after playing a David Guetta megamix on repeat for 7 hours.
“In my years of experience as a police officer I’ve seen a lot of strange, unexplainable things,” offered Police Chief Anderson. “This, however, isn’t one of them, obviously EDM fans have developed a collective form of Stockholm syndrome from being so routinely exposed to poor quality pop-EDM that even the slightest exposure to good music sends them into a defensive and violent revolt.”