An English drug dealer has decided to show his support for his national football team by painting St George’s crosses onto all of his baggies for the duration of the World Cup.
Darren Hayes claimed he will do everything he can to help support the boys in white, even offering a 10% discount to his regular customers on match days.
“It’s times like these that we have to really pull together as a nation and help spur the boys on,” Hayes told Wunderground this morning. “I’m doing my bit by providing the people of Dorset, in particular Weymouth, with everything they need to go out and support their country, properly.
“If printing a little red cross onto my bags of white helps bring out a little bit of patriotism in my customers then I don’t mind doing it, I’m happy to go the extra mile for the greater good,” continued the dealer. “I’ll sleep a little bit easier knowing that I’ve done all I can to help England.”
“Plus, if I’m giving them all really good gear, with a ten percent discount, they’re going to be able to drink more and have a couple of extra quid to spend down the boozer,” explained Hayes. “So not only am I helping the team out, I’m also giving the local economy a much-needed boost.”
“If I don’t get recognition on the Queen’s Honours List after this there’s something seriously wrong with his shit hole of a country.”
Barry Everett, one of Hayes’s best customers, claims that he is set to save a fortune by buying his drugs from the patriotic drug dealer.
“Darren’s one of these guys who’s not just in it for the money, he really cares about his customers. You know what I mean?” Everett told us. “Sure, he’ll batter you if you don’t have his money but I guarantee you he’ll feel bad about it afterward.”
“This World Cup stuff he’s doing is amazing too,” continued the drug user. “I’m saving £5 pound off every bag I buy, if England make it all the way to the final, I’ll probably have bought about twenty bags, that a saving of £100, which I’ll then be able to use to buy another two bags. I don’t know how he’s making any money with offers like that.”