Clubbing

Fabric to employ Berghain door staff for opening weekend

Fabric’s owners have confirmed they are to employ the door staff of Berlin nightclub Berghain for their opening weekend.

With news that the London club is “determined” to prove they have gone the “extra mile” to ensure health and safety standards are met and extra precautions are taken, it has been suggested there’s no better way to keep it “squeaky clean” then by not letting “any cunt through the door”.

“We can’t wait for our grand re-opening,” confirmed head of PR, Michael Dukes. “Of course the spotlight is going to be massively on us so, rather than get sniffer dogs on the door and extra security inside the club, we thought it’d be best to just reject every single person who approaches the entrance.”

“If there’s nobody inside the venue, we can’t get in any bother and everyone’s a winner. We’ve saved Fabric and we intend to keep it saved by keeping it empty at all times.”

Wunderground asked Michael to confirm how the club will survive without anybody inside, “That’s quite simple, all tickets will be pre-sale and there will be no refunds,” he told us. “It’s up to the raver if they want to take the risk. They can buy a ticket and attempt the door on the night. Sometimes security will be in a good mood and let them in. However, most of the time, like one hundred percent of the time, if not more, they will be in a shit mood and tell you piss off.”

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