Real Life

Weed Smokers Seventeen Times More Likely To Talk About Something Than Do It – Claims Excessively Long Report

A four-thousand-page document, released today by the Legalise Cannabis movement, has revealed that recent clinical trials show weed smokers are, on average, seventeen times more likely to talk about doing something rather than actually do it.

We caught up with Emily Blunt, celebrity Mary Poppins impersonator and chief spokesperson for Legalise Cannabis, to find out more about these revelatory findings.

“Well the guys and girls in the lab at LC had been discussing producing a report on productivity for the best part of four and a half years, when they suddenly ran out of Rizla,” explained Ms Blunt as she sliced a vertical segment from a Cuban cigar with a razor blade.

“After a fortnight discussion about which one of the team was going to pop to the off-license, the others decided to press on with the research and the findings. Which, in our unbiased opinion, show unequivocally that marijuana can be a fantastic stress reliever in the workplace,” concluded Ms Blunt as she finished her eighteenth pack of Space Raiders.

There has, of course, been contestations from other scientific research bodies. Ian Rush, full-time Chuckle Brothers stunt double, retired footballing hero and head spokesperson for the Legalize Amphetamines campaign, had this to say, “Ah its complete bullshit. That report is about as relevant as a new Modestep album! Just because it’s long doesn’t make it fucking scientific!” he bellowed whilst hanging from the rail of a night tube.

“It was four thousand pages long, fairplay, but at least half of those were discussing the best Grateful Dead solo project and I’m pretty sure the index section is actually just a recipe for gluten free waffles.”

“Me and the Legalize Amphetamine lads know proper graft, we’ve published ninety eight research papers since the start of the week and we’re well up for banging out a few more. It’s amazing what you can achieve in eighteen months if you skip every meal and stop playing No Man’s Sky.”

To Top
Close

Send this to friend