Real Life

Taxi Driver Knows You’re Picking Up Drugs

According to Wunderground sources, the taxi driver dropping you off to pick up drugs at five a.m. knows exactly what you’re up to.

A recent survey revealed that one hundred percent of taxi drivers didn’t come down in the last shower and most of them are smarter than you give them credit for.

“I hear all types of excuses,” revealed Uber driver Ian Holmes. “I’ve to pick up my wages, my housemates locked himself out, just borrowing a DVD, all of this at five o’clock in the morning. Give me a fucking break. I might drive a taxi for a living but I’m not fucking stupid. I know exactly what you’re at.”

“Once somebody gets into my cab and says they want to go somewhere and then back again, I know that nine out of ten times it’s going to be for drugs,” continued Holmes. “They’re usually carrying their jaw in their back pocket too and trying their best to act completely sober, it’s totally obvious.”

“I can even tell what kind of drugs you get,” claimed the cabby. “Usually people won’t leave without a tester, if you’ve just bought some coke or some speed you’re going to burn the ears of me for the whole ride back but if you’ve picked up some ket you’ll say nothing and most likely drool all over the backseat.”

“It doesn’t bother me, I actually think it’s kind of funny,” admitted Holmes. “It’s just that sometimes I wish you’d be honest with me and maybe ask if I’d like to come back to the house for a cheeky bump or two instead of treating me like a clueless old fart. I’m not even that old, I’ve probably bought gear of the dealer I’m bringing you to. Hopefully, someday, someone will just give me a chance.”

In related news, taxi drivers have voted the weather as the thing they least want to talk about during short distance journeys, narrowly beating politics, immigrants and football to the top spot.

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