A fan of German happy hardcore group, Dune, has confided in Wunderground today about his inability to “stop raving” claiming that he has been raving consistently for every waking moment of the last twenty years.
“Basically raving has taken over my entire life since the seminal release of Can’t Stop Raving in 1995,” explained 58 year old, Alan Campbell, a former insurance salesman who now receives benefits. “Every aspect of my life, from waking up in the morning, to feeding myself, to going to the toilet, is done in a constant state of banging raving.”
The raving has taken its toll both mentally and physically on Alan, seen here dancing yet crying at the same time, but that over the years he’s learned to cope with his condition and lead a relatively normal life. “Well mentally I haven’t stopped hearing Dune’s Can’t Stop Raving in my head for 20 years and physically I’ve got the ropey tendons and ailing back of a Siberian gulag labourer, but I find solace where I can in things like sleeping and the thought that one day I’ll die and the raving will stop.”
“A typical day involves waking up at 4pm after a night of hard raving,” explained Alan. “I’ll usually leap straight out of bed, put my hands in the air, shout something like ‘c’mon party people’ before reaching for the lasers, then I’ll bang on the Dune CD and I’m away.”
Alan said that he’ll then spend a good 18 hours each day raving while eating, showering, and even making love to his wife of 25 years, Alice.
“We actually met at a rave, which I go to a lot because a rave is generally the most welcoming social environment for someone like me who can’t stop raving,” continued Alan. “I got vibes off her the moment I saw her, I’m talking about real, hardcore vibes.”
“It was very romantic,” reminisced Alan,” she was vomiting on herself after a bomb of MDMA got lodged in her throat, but in spite of the semi-digested spaghetti bolognese tumbling from her mouth, she didn’t stop raving, I knew right then that she was the woman I wanted to rave the rest of my life with.”
“Our son, Dean, was actually conceived that night,” continued Alan, all the while dancing energetically. “He’s the light of my life.”
“Raising a child while raving has it’s challenges,” he offered. “Obviously, I was never able to hold him as a baby because of all the whistling, fist bumping and air piano I was doing. Plus his friends bullied him for years when they saw me bringing him to school dressed like a crack adled Mr. Motivator, but I like to think that deep down, underneath all the resentment and emotional scarring, that there’s a small part of him that’s proud of my raving.”
“Every landmark moment of my life, like Dean’s birth, has been characterised by one common thread, raving,” concluded a weary Alan. “My mother’s funeral was a particular awkward affair. I mean you know that whistles, white gloves and glow sticks aren’t appropriate dress for a funeral, but it’s not until you’re dancing in the pew while everyone around you is weeping, that you really understand just how ridiculous your life has become.”
[embedvideo id=”5KJ__06kyxs” website=”youtube”]
For me, the truly funny thing (other than – “The raving has taken its toll both mentally and physically on Alan, seen here dancing yet crying at the same time”) is that in ’95 I would have thought of this as a true feelgood piece. Non stop raving for 20 years? Yes please!
hahahahaha amazing!