An English football fan has revealed plans to fill his Saturday afternoons with unadulterated drugs use for the majority of the summer once the current season finishes.
Ian Dunkin, a Manchester United fan from London, claims that drugs are the only way he can fill his weekends during the dark days, also known as the offseason.
“I just don’t really know what to be doing with myself when the football’s over,” explained Dunkin earlier today. “I’m alright when there’s a World Cup or Euros on but the years in between I always get really anxious during the summer, drugs are only the real thing that I can use to distract myself from having nothing to watch on a Saturday so this summer I’m going to get totally off my tits every Saturday.”
“It won’t be that big of a deal or disruption to my normal life to be honest with you,” continued the Manchester United fan. “I do drugs most weekends as it is anyway. Sometimes, I’ll stay sober until after the footie but I’m usually just off my chops while I’m watching it, I always find that football is a lot more entertaining if you have a few garrys and a bit of sniff in you.”
“To be honest with you, as A Manchester United fan, I’ve not really had too much interest in the football the last while anyway so I’ve kind of already started my summer drug schedule,” he revealed.
“It’s been that way since Fergie left, life was so much simpler when he was around, it was David Moyes’s appointment that drove me to drugs and I’ve been on a slippery slope ever since. If we don’t get Champions League next season I can totally see myself becoming a full-blown smackhead.”
In related news, approximately one in every four Manchester United fans have admitted to taking cocaine in Old Trafford, claiming you “have to make your own fun there these days”.
