Following the news that supermarket giants Sainsbury’s are to stock vinyl in their music department; secret experiments have been conducted by a team of scientists to find out what type of affect it will have on hipsters across the UK.
Spearheaded by Dr Franklin Madman, there has been conclusive evidence to prove that not only has the “hipster kind” been challenged emotionally and mentally by the actions of Sainsbury’s, but there have been notable physical defects, leaving certain parts of the UK “completely hipsterless”, to the delight of most people.
“East London has been the worst affected area of the UK,” confirmed Madman. “We didn’t realise just how bad it would get. When it was announced that the supermarket would be selling vinyl all twenty independent records shops spontaneously combusted. It was as though they thought fuck this, I don’t want to part of this scene anymore.”
“We also noticed a change in the human form of the hipster,” continued Madman. “Each time a piece of vinyl was sold a hipsters beard would miraculously disappear. I saw it happen, with my own eyes, to a twenty seven year old man. Initially his trilby vanished. Then his beard faded away. He was left with a baby face, regular hair-cut and completely in tears. As I looked around the streets of Shoreditch, top-knots were literally detaching themselves from the heads of men and falling to the floor. A girl who had short pink hair and was wearing dungarees, had long natural brown hair and was wearing bog standard clothing within seconds. All of a sudden, East London became a nice place to be.”
Wunderground spoke to James St Clements III, a twenty two year old theatrical expression student living in Hackney, to ask what he thinks about Sainsbury’s, “They are a disgrace” he shouted, whilst trying not to spill his craft beer on his XXXL knitted cardigan despite being 5’1 and 126 lbs. “For years we have been saying vinyl is the only way music should be listened to. We have fought for it with blood, sweat, tears and my parent’s money; and for what? Fucking Sainsbury’s to stock it? Go fuck yourself you big orange sack of shit.”
“We wanted vinyl to make a comeback but not like this,” he continued to yell. “We wanted it to come back ever so slightly; just enough that we can still buy the odd record, but not enough that the general public can get their basic little hands on it. Fuck vinyl, I will never use it again.”
