Pantomime drunk and chippy northerner Keith ‘Cheggers’ Chegwin is reportedly angered to tears by his absence from the line-up to top U.K. electronic music festival, Bloc Weekender.
A close friend of Chegwin said: “Keith feels as though he’s been completely overlooked by the organisers. He’s got a long history of performing at 70s holiday resorts and a wealth of experience as a disc-jockey during Savile’s radio heyday.”
Despite not being officially booked on the lineup, sources close to Chegwin claim that the pinch-faced TV entity has assembled a “dream-team” of middle-aged former presenters with whom he intends to perform a “classic redcoat set” at the festival.
“The fact that the organisers of this festival have overlooked his obvious pedigree is seen as a slap across the face by Cheggers, and not one he’ll forget soon,” continued the friend. “I doubt any of these so-called performers will have the slightest notion of how to present a day time TV quiz or look non-threatening in a tight, red blazer. It’s a shambles.”
Meanwhile, former ‘Brown Sauce’ bandmate Noel Edmonds responded to the news of Chegger’s exclusion by threatening his Deal Or No Deal colleagues with a crude ‘prison shank’, fashioned from a razor and a melted toothbrush, before absconding with £200,000 in cash hidden in box 22.
The daytime host was last seen at a service station on the M4, where one witness described his behaviour as “erratic” and “bearded”.
“He was standing at the till in WH Smiths and waving a Big Mac in the shop assistant’s face demanding back issues of Razzle. When the girl explained that they’d stopped stocking printed porn nearly 10 years ago he slammed his fists on the counter and compared the internet to the Nazis. I think he’d been drinking.”
Interviewed outside his caravan in south Yorkshire Mr. Chegwin said: “Blackburn’s on it. I haven’t seen him so fired up since Thatcher’s wake. Edmonds is actually a bit too up for it, so we’ll probably have to sedate him and stick him in the Mr Blobby suit. The theme’s sorted too – they won’t need to worry about that. We’re going to base it on the TV show I most regret.”
“Naked Jungle.”
