According to the latest research, full pills are now practically impossible to swallow, despite being smaller than the average food morsel swallowed during eating.
Our sources indicate that pill manufacturers are actively putting spells on their pills, which stop them from passing from the mouth to the stomach easily.
Wunderground spoke to Mr X, an ecstasy manufacturer from Amsterdam, about the recent developments, “Pills these days are extremely strong and, unless you’re very experienced with them, you really shouldn’t be taking them whole,” he told us.
“So, as an extra safety measure, we’ve hired a team of Europe’s best gypsies who have put a series of spells, curses and jinxes on the pills to make them almost impossible to swallow,” explained Mr X. “It’s been really effective, we’ve seen a massive increase in the number of people splitting their pills in half and because of that we’re seeing a more responsible level of drug use.”
Ecstasy user Peter Popper also spoke to Wunderground, “I just can’t swallow them things at all,” he told us. “When I was younger I used to pop them for fun, well actually I still pop them for fun, they’re great fun, but I can’t swallow them whole like I used to be able to. Nowadays, I’ll have to split them in two or they just won’t go down.”
“I don’t know why either,” continued Popper. “I swallow stuff bigger than pills all the time but no matter how hard I try they just won’t go down my neck. Sometimes, I even find that I can’t swallow them after I’ve broken them up, it’s usually on a Sunday morning and in those cases, I just bash them up and sniff the fuckers.”
In related news, crystal MDMA has officially been named as the worst tasting substance in the world, trials to use the drug as a deterrent to nail-biting have been scrapped after a number of children developed an interest in EDM while continuing to bit their nails.