Gary Neville Admits To Taking A “Gary”

Football pundit and ex-Manchester United right back, Gary Neville, has recently admitted to taking a ‘Gary’ during a night out at the infamous Mad-chester nightspot ‘The Hacienda’.

In the early 90’s, Gary had been enjoying an end of season night out with his class of ’92 chums when he was unknowingly offered an ecstasy tablet, known in the North-West clubbing community as a “Gary”, by a red-faced, sweating man chewing gum and wearing a tracksuit – a figure who he, as a footballer, innately trusts.

Neville recalls being handed the mystery tablet by “an overly friendly, sweaty young guy with a hyperactive jaw” and he had only accepted it assuming it was a breath mint.

“This bloke just put his arm around me, and told me to get one of these down me,” recalls Neville. “He whispers in my ear, ‘it’s a Gary mate! They’re the next big thing!’”

“My Dad [Neville Neville Neville Neville Neville] always taught me that I should love my name the same way he loved all of his,” advising us that his late father decided to name himself whilst he was still in the womb.

Gary explained that unfortunately he hadn’t inherited the same telepathic powers and he was given the name ‘Gary’ after his Mum’s gerbil, who she thought he had an undeniable resemblance to.

“For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved anything and everything about the name ‘Gary’ and my ambition growing up was to turn out like a famous Gary,” he explained. “Looking back, I’m thankful I chose to follow in the footsteps of Gary Lineker, instead of Gary Glitter like my Mum wanted.”

“Anyway, sorry about that! I wasn’t going to turn down something with the name Gary, so I just munched it,” he added. “I was gutted at first as it tasted fucking disgusting! A cross between Becks’ jizz and gerbil piss. I remember thinking that these are never going to take off as they taste more like AIDS than mints!”

Gary then explained that after about an hour, the horrible scretty taste from the mystery mint had subsided and he “began to feel excited, emotional and had the unstoppable urge to dance like prick”.

The much loved TV football pundit then begins to laugh uncomfortably loud recollecting that: “I remember I just had to find my team mates to tell them all that I loved them. I organised a team huddle in the toilets, and told them I would happily take a bullet for every single one of them and that I wasn’t just saying it, I fucking mean it!”

The night ended up with Gary leaving the Manchester United players and joining his new acid house mates to “chat shit about life, choons and the universe” until they eventually got booted out at 7am as everyone had left and the music was turned off over an hour ago.

Gary only realised he’d taken ecstasy the following afternoon when he had woken up in a student house in Fallowfield, spooning the guy who had given him the mystery tablet in the club. “I was gobsmacked! I thought I’d just had a decent turbo shandy but I was told the next day that ‘gary’ is just another nickname for ecstasy,” he concluded. “It was a great night from what I can remember, but I felt fucking wank until the Tuesday evening and I decided I just wanted to concentrate on being Becks’ best mate and football.”