A twenty two year old girl has been found floating off the coast of Brighton by a local fisherman, nineteen days after going missing.
Having fallen headfirst from an Ibiza booze-cruise and assumed dead by friends, it is believed Kayleigh Saunders of Berkshire, England, floated aimlessly around the Atlantic Ocean for almost three weeks before being rescued, “I thought it was a dingy full of refugees until I got close enough to realise it was a mouth” said rescuer, fisherman Bob.
“The mouth kept muttering where’s the afters at? where’s the afters at?” he continued.
“Initially, with those lips, I assumed it was a camel drowning – until I thought to myself, bugger me, what the bloody hell would a camel be doing going for a swim at this time of day?”
An official statement has been released by the Girls With Lip Fillers Association (GWLFA), which reads: “With over 97% of eighteen – thirty year old females in the UK having their lips filled with our shit, it is comforting to know none of them will die in a watery grave.”
“We are also pleased to announce a crisis meeting between David Attenborough and Greta Thunberg has now been canceled after they learned it wasn’t a mile of plastic waste off the Brighton coast, it was just Kayleigh.”
Wunderground have since managed to locate Kayleigh via her Instagram stories, and it is believed she went directly to Pryzm nightclub to carry on the sesh.
Too old to go to raves, too young to retire from them. Where does that leave me? Writing for Wunderground.