A jealous girlfriend has sensationally chopped off her DJ boyfriend’s penis after becoming enraged at the young producer’s relationship with his new Korg synthesizer.
“He’s always playing with it, stroking it gently to make sounds, when was the last time he stroked me gently to make sounds?” asked an irate Michelle as she was released on parole pending a court date.
Michelle claims that her 27 year old producer boyfriend, Adam Lawlor, had been having a “series of overtly intimate” relationships with pieces of electronic equipment all throughout the couple’s four year relationship.
“He bought the Korg synthesizer and began unpacking it, sensually and slowly, before taking it softly in his hands and plugging it firmly into the wall before spending a 10 hour session stroking its keys,” related Michelle. “I should have known then that it would come between us, but being human and not able to make the same range of notes as the synth, I was powerless against it.”
The young producer had reportedly been spending more and more time with the Korg, posting pics of it on Facebook, expressing love and admiration for it on tech forums and even sleeping with it in the bed he and his girlfriend shared.
“He’s cheated before,” continued Michelle, “when he got a Traktor update I had to spend the week at my sisters, but since then we patched things up and everything has been fine, except for one sleepless night a few weeks ago when Pioneer announced the release of a vinyl turntable.”
Michelle says the final straw came when she was woken at five in the morning by the sounds of Adam playing the Korg wearing nothing but his socks while smoking and chain drinking cans of Red Bull.
“I lost it,” she sobbed. “He was gazing at it so lovingly, so sexually….he hadn’t looked at me in that way since I was wearing Google Glass at a demonstration last summer, and even then I think he was more interested in the glasses.”
According to a police statement Michelle waited until Adam fell into a deep sleep in the bed after a hard day in his home studio before maliciously chopping off his penis using a second hand knife she bought online from an Amazon seller named L. Bobbitt.
After assaulting Adam, Michelle ran from the house but not before stashing the detached penis in an old record bag between an original pressing of Binary Finary 1998 and Steve Lawler’s GU Lights Out, where it was recovered by attending paramedics.
It is hoped that the penis can be reattached, but it is believed that Adam will no longer be able to function like a man which will force him to live a sexless life in the company of machines, “which is something he’d like,” added Michelle.
Michelle is scheduled to appear in court sometime later this year where it is expected Adam and the traumatised Korg will make a statement through the form of a synth-pop rendition of Culture Club’s Do You Really Want To Hurt Me with an encore of ELO’s Evil Woman.
serious shit! 😀