The government today continued its attack on the legal highs phenomenon when legislation was introduced to extend the current remit of banned substances and activities to include “head rushes, sneezing and masturbation”.
The move comes in the wake of a successful campaign to close down ‘head shops’, stores which took advantage of a legal loophole to sell synthetic drugs that mimicked the effects of banned substances, the most popular of which being mephedrone.
“In the last few years the European Parliament has fought a highly successful battle in the war against these legal highs by closing down the head shops and limiting the ability of sellers to ship these goods online,” announced MEP Liam Higgins. “But there is still a lot of work to be done in eradicating the existence of legal highs from our society.”
“This is why, with this recent piece of legislation, we are hoping to combat all forms of legal highs that are not only devastating the lives of teenagers, but are also disappointingly nontaxable,” continued MEP Higgins. “With these new legal powers we hope to crack down on the abuse of such legal highs as ‘enjoying a stretch before getting out of bed in the morning’, ‘having a relieving fart’ and ‘pissing after a long bus journey without toilet facilities.'”
The controversial legislation, which some have called political correctness gone mad, will make it illegal for people to experience any form of legal high that comes under the purview of the new law.
“Getting a head rush when you stand up too quickly will now be met with a fixed term penalty of 6 months jail time as well as a fine of €100,” explained MEP Higgins. “Too many people are risking falling over or stumbling slightly from the scourge that is a head rush,” continued MEP Higgins who said that the government plans to issue a series of pamphlets advising citizens on ways to avoid standing up too quickly by doing things like “standing up slower, wearing padded clothes or just remaining seated”.
One man, who has already been prosecuted for having an unlicensed head rush after he stood up “dangerously quickly” defended the new law. “I was sat at my computer buying cocaine on Silk Road,” explained the unnamed man, “when suddenly I stood up to answer the ringing door bell and got a mildly pleasing dizzy effect for like a second. Thankfully though the police arrived and arrested me before my brief dizzy spell could have ended in me harming myself or those around me, like it normally would.”
As well as head rushes from standing up too quickly, MEP Higgins assured the public that other forms of bodily rushes that have thus far been legal will also come under the rule of the law, with specific attention being paid to “masturbation” as well “sneezing…especially more than eight times in one go,” which according to science “equals an orgasm”.
“Now the Church are behind us on this much needed change in legal and moral code,” warned MEP Higgins who claimed that anyone caught masturbating will face jail time, or would have the option to voluntarily enter a masturbation rehabilitation center where their “wanking disease” will be treated extensively by physically forcing the inmate “to masturbate at least once every hour to photos of close family members staring straight into the lens while eating bananas”.
“Filthy, disgusting wanks are available in the pants of every young man and woman across Europe leaving a host of hardened tissue clumps and damp mattresses everywhere,” concluded MEP Higgins, “and we as a society need to put a plug on it.”