Government Confirms Due To Safety Concerns, Only Carling To Be Served In UK Pubs Today

UK government officials have confirmed Carling will be the only beer served in pubs tomorrow, due to increased concerns over the wellbeing of the British public.

The announcement was made on Friday afternoon following an official COVID-19 update from Boris Johnson, in which he referred to anybody who has planned to visit a pub on 4th July as “untrustworthy” and “sadder than those clowns who were queuing for Primark and Sports Direct last week”.

The following extract was taken from the Prime Minister’s direct brief to the British public: “At 3.7% we believe even if you were to drink 100 pints of Carling, you’d struggle to feel anything from a drink that is no stronger than water and tastes exactly like urine, which is in your best interest. We cannot risk a bunch of 40 and 50 somethings all drinking Peroni or G&T as it would be anarchy in the suburbs by 8pm.”

A Facebook post from regular pub goer, Jim, 57, highlighting his disappointment, was sent out 2 minutes after the announcement. “How am I supposed to enjoy myself now?”.

This really summarised the mood of an entire generation.