Following a statement released by the Pub Landlords Union (PLU), it has been officially confirmed that there is no more alcohol left in any pubs across the UK.
Behavioural experts employed to monitor British drinking trends and new-normal pub culture are believed to have been told “there’s no more work” and “prepare to be furloughed again because of these piss-heads”.
Speaking from a Wetherpoons beer cellar, behavioural expert team leader, Jeremy Jones, spoke to Wunderground about the experience: “We’ve all seen how Brits act in Magaluf and Ibiza, so this was to be expected.
He continued “With no more booze, no cunt wanting to drink J2O or Appletiser, and us not having the intelligence at hand to monitor other common watering holes such as park benches, car parks, outside McDonalds or random alleyways – I told the team to go home and prepare for the worst.”
One reveller was keen to share her annoyance at the situation: “It’s a load of bollox if you ask me – running out of booze on day one. I only had forty-seven pink gins, five bottles of Prosecco, thirty-two Jaeger Bombs and nine pints of Guinness. How the fuck did they run out when everybody was taking it as slow as me?”
Too old to go to raves, too young to retire from them. Where does that leave me? Writing for Wunderground.