The internet today collectively gave up on “virtual festivals” after accepting they are nothing of the sort.
“A chat window and a badly-shot DJ stream is not the same as being in a field full of mates, mud and Mandy” exclaimed everyone.
Virtual Festivals grew in popularity in March this year when the low-level gangsters and corporate mobsters that control the planet’s festivals were told they were no longer able to gather large groups of Gen Z’s behind a fence and sell them pints of Carling for £7 a go.
The answer was to move the experience online – but as the internet has discovered, the experience is as authentically festival-like as a forced work-drinks Zoom call.
“The festival experience” one punter told Wungerground “is not about watching a screen showing an EDM DJ playing a pre-recorded set. Well, OK, maybe Tomorrowland is, but that’s not what I meant.”
“I want to queue for two hours to be grope-searched, have a sunburned nose and welly-singed leg hair, I want to pay £10 to have access to the set times and I’d like my only meal to be a tray of noodles and a little bag of nonsense”
“If I wanted to replace an exhilarating, life-affirming real-life experience with the deep regret that comes after staring soullessly for an hour at dead-eyed wankers performing in their bedrooms… I’ll stick with Porn Hub.”