“Virtual Festivals Aren’t Really Festivals” Claim Anyone Capable Of Thought

The internet today collectively gave up on “virtual festivals” after accepting they are nothing of the sort. 

“A chat window and a badly-shot DJ stream is not the same as being in a field full of mates, mud and Mandy” exclaimed everyone.

Virtual Festivals grew in popularity in March this year when the low-level gangsters and corporate mobsters that control the planet’s festivals were told they were no longer able to gather large groups of Gen Z’s behind a fence and sell them pints of Carling for £7 a go.

The answer was to move the experience online – but as the internet has discovered, the experience is as authentically festival-like as a forced work-drinks Zoom call.

“The festival experience” one punter told Wungerground “is not about watching a screen showing an EDM DJ playing a pre-recorded set. Well, OK, maybe Tomorrowland is, but that’s not what I meant.” 

“I want to queue for two hours to be grope-searched, have a sunburned nose and welly-singed leg hair, I want to pay £10 to have access to the set times and I’d like my only meal to be a tray of noodles and a little bag of nonsense”

“If I wanted to replace an exhilarating, life-affirming real-life experience with the deep regret that comes after staring soullessly for an hour at dead-eyed wankers performing in their bedrooms… I’ll stick with Porn Hub.”