Festivals in the UK have been given the go-ahead to proceed this summer, provided you stay alert and “keep your eyes peeled for the virus”.
Festival-goers, undoubtedly some of the most alert people on the planet for the duration of the event, have been given the full confidence of the government due to their extreme alertness; and so festival licences will now be allocated as per usual.
“We understand that fighting the virus is all about staying alert at this stage,” a government official said. “It’s not really about staying home and containing the virus, even though thousands of people every week are still dying. The Prime Minister is under considerable pressure to open up the economy, so we’re going to chance this ‘stay alert’ thing and see how many people die. If the death rate gets too high we’ll simply distance ourselves from the stay alert thing, excuse the pun!” chuckled the insider.
“We’re confident staying alert will work. We’re not sure why we even bothered with social distancing or respirators, or any of that kerfuffle. Enjoy your drinks, sniff your sniff, just stay alert and if you see the virus, give it the finger from me!”