How To Stay So Alert You Can Dodge Invisible Bacteria In The Air

Following weeks indoors, the British public has been given the green light to venture outdoors and to return to work if you can, don’t if you can’t, try not to die or kill others, play it by year and see how it goes.

Prime Minister Boris Johnston last night announced the beginning of the ‘stay alert’ phase, and in the coming days, the government will publish a health and safety booklet to be delivered to homes throughout the UK which will outline the methods you can use to stay so incredibly alert, that if traces of Covid-19 are hovering invisibly in the air, you can quickly dodge them and run to safety. 

“It’s very important that if you see Covid-19 while practising extreme alertness, that you do not confront it” continued the Prime Minister.

“It’s an unwelcome foreigner and it’s extremely dangerous. You cannot see it, but I presume it smells funny, like curry or soy sauce or something. Be especially careful if you see a virus carrying a LIDL or an ALDI bag, and don’t under any circumstances venture inside a Chinese or an Indian without your wits about you.”

“Stay alert and dodge the virus if it comes near you. Carry a baseball bat perhaps. Or some Nunchucks.”

Well… do if you can, and don’t if you can’t. You get it by now.”