Breaking news emerged this morning that thousands of middle-aged men have been forming queues outside of local pubs overnight in a bid to guarantee their place at the bar.
Despite no known incidents of violence or disorder, the media has described the men as “angry”, “bald” and with a look that suggests they are “unhappy with what our country has become”.
“There was always going to be one demographic most excited about the prospect of sitting two metres away from the nearest stranger” said an anonymous onlooker.
They continued: “Comfortable enough to slag-off youngsters, foreigners, labour voters, gays and the Chinese from the comfort of their bar stall rather than behind the image of a Union Jack flag and pitbull on Twitter.
“Perhaps at 24 I’m too young to understand the appeal of pubs? But I can certainly tell you the prospect of sitting amongst what looks like every single man who has been an extra in a shit UK gangster movie does not an attractive proposition to me or any of my friends one bit”.
Wunderground managed to obtain a comment from Brian, who claims to have been waiting “forever” for this day to arrive (since the end of March when he was last in the pub): “I walked to the newsagents this morning and got my copy of the Daily Mail, then down Nell’s Cafe for a full English which I devoured on a park bench, and now I’m here queuing with my pals. Real life has resumed and I love it.”