A group of club promoters has reportedly been hospitalised after, what witnesses are describing as, an excessive back-patting session.
Hospital sources claim the promoters were admitted with various “hand and back injuries”, thankfully none of them are believed to be life-threatening.
“We get club promoters in here all the time,” claimed hospital porter Ian Broome. “Usually they’re in here on their own with swollen heads or bruised egos, this is the first time I’ve seen a group of them come in together and I’ve never seen these kinds of injuries before, thankfully they’ll all pull through and live to promote another day.”
Doctor Annabel Parsleychops also spoke to Wunderground, “Back patting can be a very dangerous pursuit,” she warned. “Normally, it’s groups of vegans who come in with back patting related injuries but, like now, they can spread to other groups of people. This was a pretty severe case, with over fifteen people suffering injuries.”
“We have a broad range of injuries with varying levels of severity,” continued the doctor. “So far today, I’ve treated broken fingers, sprained wrists, dislocated shoulders and some pretty serious spinal bruising, in one case one of the promoters was lucky not to have been paralysed. This must have been a really aggressive and prolonged back patting session to cause injuries like this.”
According to witnesses, the promoters were gathered at an award ceremony, set up by themselves with the sole purpose of blowing smoke up each other’s arses, when the incident happened.
“I saw the whole thing,” claimed one eyewitness. “It was a bit confusing at first, it was a big group of lads, all wearing black, I couldn’t tell if they were fighting or groping each other. It was only after I moved a bit closer and noticed they were club promoters that I realised they were patting each other’s backs, I knew there’d be injuries so I called an ambulance and left them to it.”
If you are a club promoter and are fond of back patting or having your back patted please ensure you wear the correct personal protective equipment during all back-patting sessions.